It’s a dream. A nightmare. Conservatives wake up this morning bathed in sweat, but it’s not a nightmare. It’s not fake news.
Return of the undead. Team Boris has launched a warning attack on the day Rishi Sunak and Liz Truss were preparing for the first WrestleMania battle for the crown vacated by Boris Johnson.
‘What vacancy?’ cried Jacob Greased Mogg, his long-time cuts manager.
‘They tried to steal his crown’, sobbed Dobbin, his overwrought corner-woman.
The cunning plan is revealed in The Sun, an out-of-hours drinking den favoured by derelicts and conservative lawbreakers:
A Bring Back Boris petition was close to reaching 10,000 Tory members yesterday, as anger mounts over the ousting of the PM. At least 9,150 true blues want Bojo’s name to be included on their ballots, alongside leadership contenders Rishi Sunak and Liz Truss.
It’s been organised by two ultra-BoJo loyalists – the multimillionaire Tory peer and donor Lord Crud, and ex-MEP David Campbell-Flagman
Lord Crud raged: ‘The ousting of Boris Johnson as prime minister by a minority of MPs is deeply anti-democratic. It defies the will of the country and the Conservative Party members who elected him. It amounts to a coup. I am ashamed this can happen in Britain, the birthplace of modern democracy.’
Meanwhile in an equally dubious diner off the M6, two figures are taking an early breakfast in a nearly deserted Motorway service station.
‘So we agree, then?’, the elegantly dressed man said.
His beautifully coiffured companion reluctantly nodded. ‘This baby’s not for turning. No, no, no!’
The emotion in her words sent an eavesdropping spy from the Sun ducking behind the returned tray counter. Operation wrecking ball has begun.
The haunting words of Miley Cyrus are piping out of the intercom.
I came in like a wrecking ball
I never hit so hard in love
All I wanted was to break your walls
All you ever did was was wreck me
[You can listen to the podcast of this post including my Karaoke debut at