What to do after a pothole accident

January 16, 2023

Welcome to our programme Pothole Peril being streamed around the world. In the Studio, we have Mrs Amanda Trigg from Little Chalfont who is a typical pothole sufferer, MP Felicity Blythe, her MP, and special guest Mr Albert Pestle, also known as Mr Pothole, of the Flatten the Potholes campaign. I’m going to ask Amanda to kick us off. Amanda, you are recovering from your Pothole injuries. What exactly happened to you?

Thank you for having me. The road through Little Chalfont where I live is a death trap with some potholes the size of dustbin lids. I was on my way to work last February one day when I swerved to avoid a pothole when I noticed a sheep was trying to climb back out.

And sheep are usually nimble aren’t they?

This one wasn’t. Anyway, as I swerved to avoid the sheep, I caught the side of another pothole, and it ripped my rear axle off.

What happened next?

The axle struck a glancing blow on an oncoming cyclist, before landing in a front garden on the other side of the road. I managed to bring the car to a halt, but not before suffering substantial whiplash injuries.

Are you back at work now, Amanda?

No. I’m a library assistant


And you can’t put the books back on the shelves?

That too, at first, but then …

Yes?

They closed the library.

Over now to Amanda’s MP Felicity Blythe. How can you justify the potholes in your constituency?

We have been working at infilling potholes day and night, 24/7. We have spent our entire pothole budget for the year. But as an interim measure we are issuing TPA equipment to residents.

TPA equipment?

Temporary Pothole Assistance. Plastic bottles. This also helps our plastic recycling target.

Thank you very much Ms Blythe. Let’s bring in Mr Pestle, known as Mr Pothole. What can be done about the potholes which are ruining The lives of millions of motorists such as Amanda?

Thank you for drawing attention to this burning issue.

Burning potholes?

Sometimes. In areas where drilling for gas is taking place. The answer to the pothole plague is there already, in the report we submitted to the Government last year, which is the MP’s government, by the way. But they have failed to respond. Our suggestions are easy to implement with dos and donts.

Could you give an example?

First. Keep you line. Do not swerve to avoid a pothole. Swerving into approaching traffic can be dangerous. You should take the direct line accelerating a little to go right over the cavity, or concavity to use the technical term. That way you minimise the dangers faced everyday by millions of motorists.

And do you have other suggestions?

We are looking into more creative ones. For example, the possibility that individual residents use the potholes as a substitute for storing household waste, thus reducing the pressures on our refuse collection services.

Thank you for sharing your expert knowledge, Mr Pothole. And so it’s goodbye until next week, when our panellists will be discussing the ever-important question should you eat sausage sandwiches with red or brown sauce?

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Twitter wit and wisdom. New year edition 2023

January 3, 2023

Twitter continues its new uncharted course, with Captain Ahab aka Captain Musk at the helm. His willingness to reaccept tweets ‘in the interests of a libertarian philosophy begins to have unexpected consequences.

@kelvmackenzie: After 8pm tonight on @GBNews I will produce the super-sized bucket on Mark Dolan show ( he’s sitting in for Mark Steyn) to pour over a migrant system which grants asylum to 77% who apply here but only 25% in France and 37% over the whole EU. We are such mugs.
@Tudortweet: Think I’ve just found Jeremy Clarkson’s role model. Traces also detected on ruined toilets at Pompeii.

@Tudortweet: In the build-up to great holiday I would like wish everyone peace and good will. The ‘everyone’ is a bit of a stretch, as it’s work in progress.

@BorisJohnson: Merry Christmas to all! Wishing everyone a safe and happy holiday season 🎅. Let’s take a moment to reflect on the year and give thanks for all that we have! #MerryChristmas
@AngelaRayner: I see the ghost of Christmas past has paid an early visit this year. 😱

@AwayFromTheKeys: A wee old woman passes away and as she’s been a kind old soul all her life, ends up in #heaven.
“Ooh, I’m in heaven”, she says to Peter, “can I meet #God?”.
“He’s currently in Scotland”, says Peter.
“Scotland? Why’s he in Scotland?”.
And Peter replies, “Working from home! “.

@EvLenz: What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!

@NicholasTyrone: Boris Johnson isn’t prime minister any longer, so why is he doing a prime ministerial, happy Christmas to all kind of video? Seems unnecessary and needlessly annoying.
@Tudortweet: 30% of Tory MPs, known as the Lemming Coalition, are urging the return of Boris Johnson.
@ConsPost: ‘All we want for Christmas is Boris back’ say 35,000 Conservative Post readers

@pv1004: Guests staying were a little bemused when the sophisticated cat toys they bought my black and white claw machine ignored the gifts, but had an ecstatic time with the wrapping paper for about 40 minutes, performing destructive shredding at its best. #CatsOnTwitter

@JohnSimpsonNews: My erudite classicist daughter tells me that the Arctic is so called because there are bears there; ‘Arktos’ being the Greek for bear. ‘Antarctic’ means ‘no bears’, she says.

@JonIzzard: This is why I prefer to describe myself as a manic depressive. Bipolar is geography and explains why polar bears don’t eat penguins.

@jjwalks: “I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. She said, ‘Nothing would make me happier than a diamond necklace.’ So I got her nothing.”

@pv1004: Here’s a special treat that I forgot to tweet yesterday- joke from cracker – How does Jack Frost get to work? …….. By-icicles.

@Cobratate: Hello @GretaThunberg. I have 33 cars. My Bugatti has a w16 8.0L quad turbo. My TWO Ferrari 812 competizione have 6.5L v12s. This is just the start.Please provide your email address so I can send a complete list of my car collection and their respective enormous emissions.
@GretaThunberg: yes, please do enlighten me. email me at smalldickenergy@getalife.com [These tweets from Andrew Tate (@Cobratate) and Greta Thunberg made headline stories which were enhanced when Andrew Tate was arrested in Romania under suspicion of serious sexual wrongdoing]

@TudorTweet: Three Paras walk into a bar. Paranormal, Paracetamol, and Paraplui …
Finish the joke. There’s got to be a good one in there somewhere.
@TudorTweet: Here’s my effort
Three Paras walk into a bar. Paranormal, Paracetamol, and Paraplui …
ParaNormal disabled an attacker with a hypnotic stare.
Paracetamol stopped a fight painlessly.
Paraplui realised he was in the wrong film, and went back to Cherbourg.

@JoJoFromJerz: Maybe someday, women in America will have as many rights as guns do.

1 January
@Saccaguru: I went to A&E and it was full of immigrants. One bandaged my arm. Another gave me an X-ray

@horvitzpolitics: I always knock on the refrigerator door before opening in case there is a salad dressing

And that’s it for the start of 2023. Twitter along with the media is having trouble finding positive or amusing things about the New Year.

TR January 3 2023


Everyday Creativity Christmas Newsletter: Not the Thought for the Day

December 21, 2022

I have a ridiculous aversion towards Thought For the Day, [TFTD], that worthy broadcast to the nation. However, in the spirit of reconciliation, I wish to overcome curmudgeonly feelings, and provide a ‘Not the Thought for the Day’ instead.

According the the BBC, Thought for the Day is ‘a daily scripted slot on the Today programme on BBC 4, offering reflections from a faith perspective on issues and people in the news’

TFTD is broadcast at around 7:45 each Monday to Saturday morning. Nowadays lasting 2 minutes and 45 seconds.

There was an earlier version, five-minute religious sequence Ten to Eight (1965–1970) and, even before that, Lift Up Your Hearts, which was first broadcast five mornings a week on what was then the BBC Home Service, starting in 1939, two years before I arrived by stork-transit at East Glamorgan Hospital, in the charming township of Church Village in South Wales, on Christmas Eve 1941.

But I distract myself. TFTD has a prescribed structure and product. It begins with a selected item of news, often cunningly presented as nothing to do with religion, but everything to convey a cosy relationship between speaker and congregation, sorry audience.
The news item might be drawn from the news, or from sport, the arts, science or some other area of public life. As varied, in fact as my daily notes on everyday creativity.

I can do cosy but not in the same league as the TFTD presenters often drawn from the great and the good in national life. At first these were of the Christian faith, and male. Later innovations included those of other faiths, including Judaism, Islam, Buddhism, Sikhism and Jainism. In time, even those of other genders were also allowed to broadcast.

My Everyday Event

The Gleam team arrived at my home this morning. They restore a semblance of order to the clutter of my weekly labours. I understand I may be guilty of self slut-shaming, but you get the idea.

A young newcomer was worked her way around me, as I watched the midday News. She was still clearing up debris, before deploying the Dyson, when she unearthed a book which I had mislaid under a few miscellaneous kitchen implements.

Wittgenstein’s Poker, I said. I’ve just finished it,


I like psychology. What goes on in the mind of a mass murderer. She said.
It’s about philosophy, I said. You can borrow it if you like.


To my surprise she said she’d like to.


If you like, you can borrow this one afterwards, I said, showing her my copy of Russell’s History of Western Philosophy, which was peeking out from another pile of reference books. The author’s one of the people in the book you just found,

It was open on the chapter on the ancient philosophers. To my surprise she began reading out aloud with obvious curiosity. In a way which showed she understood what she was reading.

I’m now waiting to find out what she makes of Wittgenstein’s poker…

See? Not Thought for the Day. Just an example of everyday creativity…


The Wit and Wisdom of Twitter

December 9, 2022

Twitter has become a self-parodying system since the takeover by Elon Musk. It makes its own headlines. Its new owner contributes with his own messages, which at times take on a surreal character.

I’ve started collecting my favourite tweets, those which amuse me the most. They capture the everyday creativity to be found around us, wherever we look. Here is my first collection of recent tweets.

@deelomas

How many times do you have to tickle an octopus to make it laugh? 

Ten-tickles! 

Of course, it only has 8 of those. So the first 2 were test-tickles

@clecylad

Tesco today

Bereft of eggs.

I mentioned it at check out. Was told it was due to the

Aviation flu

I love my Tesco 😂😂

@capntom

Replying to @clecylad

Nasty. Aviation flu saw off the popular de Havilland aircraft company.

Also replying to @clecylad

Well, I went to the shop to buy fruit but they were Sans-Berries

🙄

[I know… very bad]

@FrankRoss 123

Dont be fooled by Origami, it only looks good on paper.

@lesmartin7

Laughter is the best medicine, though it tends not to work in the case of erectile disfunction

Also

I went to Waterstones and asked the woman for a book about turtles. She asked: “Hardback?” and I was like: “Yeah, and little heads.”

@EvLenz

I miss the times when each village only had one idiot.

@lewis_goodall

I’m going to give you nearly all of politics for the next 2 years in two tweets:

(1) OBR- Real household disposable income per person, a measure of living standards, is set to fall 4.3% in 2022-23 the largest fall  since ONS records began in 1956-57.

(2) That is followed by the second-largest fall in 2023-24 at 2.8%.  That’ll only be the third time since 1956-57 that disposable income per person has fallen for two consecutive fiscal years. 

Should it happen or anything close, everything else will be embellishment and detail.

@madscientistFF

Do you know what a “watchamacallit” is?

@deelomas. Yes, it’s that thingamajig in the second drawer in the kitchen.

@c_love888

Pipe dream at best. How would you get a bill to end the House of Lords through the House of Lords?

@johnathanLevitt7

From the above article, I liked the quote: Awarding Dylan the Nobel, he said “is like pinning a medal on Mt Everest for being the highest mountain.

@Baskerville448

You know, it’s odd isn’t it that any fish caught in the Channel belongs to the EU, but any humans found there belong to the U.K.?

@johnathanLevitt7 Mermaids always cause trouble

@Tudortweet So do philosophers.

@MichaelRosenYes

I  was cutting my toenails this morning and one nail flew across the bathroom, hit the pedal bin, dented it, bounced up, broke the window, flow out and killed a crow that was flying past. I feel terrible about that, now.

If you have a favourite, please let me know.


The Lapwing Lane Literary and Philosophic Society

December 4, 2022

The LLLPS will soon be celebrating its twentieth anniversary of daily meetings for discussions and social interactions with passing Didsbury residents, and their children and dogs,
As an outsider, I have a peak-hours visiting membership to meetings held at the Lapwing Lane Deli, one which I make use of three or four times a week.
The full-time members like William enjoy an early start, before the mighty Manchester rush-hour begins. Our meetings rarely end before ten am, with the exceptions for members who are on the social tennis circuit, who leave for a nine am start.
Proceedings are maintained in orderly fashion with effortless benignity by President Judy, in her ceremonial chair in front of the main entrance. Other members have allocated places at tables around her, newer members on the fringes of the gathering.
Why outside? To permit the greetings to passers-by I mentioned, and other briefer acknowledgements of Deli shoppers exchanging their newspaper tokens for their morning Guardians or Times.
I arrive at a more sensible time according to traffic conditions but usually around eight thirty. Unless, as happens recently when I slept late, and am forced to send a grovelling apology before search parties had been sent out.

My discussion topic


Today, I have my discussion topic ready. ‘My friend Oldbutfit is a football fan but has taken a vow to avoid watching or listening to transmissions of the World Cup. Is he unique in this respect?’
Heads shake. Then a suggestion.
‘There’s Carol’.
Carol. Not exactly a member of our Society but well-known to us as a customer of the Deli arriving to pick up her copy of The Guardian every morning. I have seen the change in Carol as the fortunes of Manchester United have waned in recent years. The change is most evident on the day of a United Match, and after another disappointing humiliation.
‘Strange’ I say. ‘Oldbutfit is a Man U fan, too, and a Guardian reader.
We begin a discussion about the distinguishing features of United supporters and Guardian readers. Suggestions range from ‘smug sanctimonious lefties’ to ‘high-minded people with deep concerns for basic human rights.

Next item proposed for discussion

Next item proposed for discussion: ‘Will gin and cheese lunches ever catch on outside Didsbury’s gated borders?’


Drought declared in Manchester, home of the perpetual rain

August 17, 2022

Drought declared in Manchester, home of the perpetual rain. Mancunians shake their heads in astonishment. 

Gardens are parched dry. Budgeons run out of bottled water. Tankers from Scotland are being hijacked and their precious loads sold on the black market to thirsty southerners.

As dusk falls I stare hopefully at darkening clouds. I go into the garden and look up. They appear to be rain clouds.

Then I feel a blessed sensation. The faintest of raindrops lands on my upturned face.

The Garden, showing signs of the Manchester Drought of 2022

Straight away, I text Oldbutfit in nearby Bramhall.

Raindrop detected in Woodford.

His reply, equally delirious.

Two raindrops here.

I stay waiting for the drought to break.

I wait until darkness falls. 

False alarm.

One drop doth not a rainstorm make …

But wait!!!

what happened next is related here:

https://www.buzzsprout.com/1945222/11152990


A simple lifesaving approach for social distancing

May 1, 2020

 

 

 

How to save lives

 
Here’s a way to save lives during the virus crisis, Use this simple signalling process to ensure good social distancing when passing another pedestrian. At least it avoids that left-right dance. It protects both those passing from possible infection.

The basic moves are for you to identify the way you intend to move, and signal, then indicate where to advancing passer-by should move.

Particularly useful where joggers, dog-walkers, or parents with baby buggies are approaching.

Try it out. It works. You can also make up versions of the actions you may feel more comfortable with.

The clip was shot without cruelty to the volunteers in view. 


Theresa clears things up: A fairy story for our times

January 17, 2017

charismatic-leadership

 

Once upon a time (as all good stories start) there was a little girl called Theresa. She was brought up to be very well behaved and always did her homework, brushed her teeth and ate all her greens, even Brussels sprouts which she particularly didn’t like

 

Theresa was always top of her class and so eventually became a politician. Her nice-manners and retentive memory served her as well as her elegance of dress and footwear. So it was, she rose to the very top of her profession entrusted with making great decisions of state. Then there came a grave crisis to which there was no answer. At first, Theresa won time by reassuring words, such as we cannot reveal the answer because our enemies will turn it against us.

But as days turned to weeks and weeks turned to months, the crisis deepened. Critics spoke out against her. Theresa had to come up with another plan. Eventually she and her advisors decided what to do.

“I will explain everything,” she said. “There are twelve principles, just like there were twelve Apostles, and the twelve days of Christmas and the twelve angry men. Just listen as I explain them.”

And then she went through them one by one. They were wonderful, and promised everything anyone could wish for.

“Oh, that explains everything” cried the grateful people “That’s alright then, you have saved us from the crisis.”And that was how Theresa became even more popular, and everyone lived happily ever after.

 


Me and the Black Pudding man

January 10, 2017

img_0847

This morning I learned a lesson in customer service from Mike who delivers Black Pudding, a local delicacy, to shops in the North West of England

Our paths crossed when I came across his rather large van blocking my much smaller Tudormobile which was thus prevented from leaving a shared but tight parking area. As I approached, I could see indicator lights flashing the ‘I will not be long‘ message.

What might have happened

I might have uttered a cutting remark such as: ‘Prithee kind sir, canst ye not back thy wain,so as to permit me to go on my way?‘  But as the words (or something more churlish) were forming on my lips, a cheerful tradesman approached me, with a smile upon his face.

What happened next?

A thousand pardons, kind sir,’ quoth he. ‘I am Mike, of the Bury Black Pudding Company. I shall soon have ye upon thy way. But first, prithee, take this gift of my wares, as a token of my sorrow for the inconvenience thou hath suffered.

And at that, he thrust a small package into my hands.  ‘ T’will go very well with the egg and fried potatoes planned for our evening fare‘ I jested merrily.

On my return home, I found that I had indeed received the promised and tasty-looking morsel of black pudding. Its contribution to our repast will be reported in the goodness of time.

Disclaimer

This post was written in admiration for the manner in which Mike dealt with a situation which too often turns into blocked driver’s rage, a well-known clinical condition. I have not received any payment for its writing, unless you count the tasty-looking item of Black Pudding mentioned in my account above.


52 Tweets I won’t be favouriting

December 20, 2016

Caliban

 

Here are 52 tweets (minus URLs) I collected in a 24 hour period recently. They were chosen for the elitist rationale of a dislike for other people’s obsessions. Many are obviously click-bait. Most display interests which I do not share with the authors or with some target audience

If the tweets have been selected non-randomly through some Twitter Bot, there is something going seriously wrong with the algorithm.  The tweets are listed in the order in which I came across them, rather than in some kind of league table of level of nausea they produced. I have added a few comments which occurred to me and which stopped me getting too dispirited in my self-appointed task. I have retained some idiosyncratic grammar of the original tweets. On a recount, the number came to 53, which seems like a trifling discrepancy probably unconnected with intervention by a foreign government.

What happened when a man pulled a long hair from a pimple

Anything shocking about what a man sees in a photograph of his wife

Anything shocking about what a wife sees in a photograph of her husband

What putting vapor rub in your ear on a cotton bud overnight will do to you

What eating three bananas a day for a month will do to you

What happens next after letting your baby sleep with a very large dog/snake/combine harvester/blue whale

When someone puts socks on their wipers

When someone votes for Trump then discovers something shocking in his grits

When someone works out the manufacturing cost of an iPhone 7

Quiz telling me how dirty my mind really is

 

Picture of a man of eighty who hasn’t showered in sixty years

Picture of a man of sixty who hasn’t showered for eighty years

When a man takes a closer look at his wife doing something and is shocked to see…

When a Russian injects his semen into an egg (doesn’t say what kind) with shocking results

What Princess Diana might have looked like today

What any former celeb looks like today

How buying 100,000 twitter followers will change my life

What doctors revealed about strange marks on a son coming home after a party

Insane nail hacks

Twenty awesome things you would never believe happen without photographic evidence

Nest of vipers

Twenty awesome things you would never believe happen even with photographic evidence

What happens when you rub stuff on to your face\anywhere else

Quickest and heartiest way to get rid of bad breath\bad neighbors\bad thoughts

Ways to cool down my burning tongue\burning anywhere

What amazing thing happens when you press your forefinger for sixty seconds

See what happened to a painful bubble on her skin which continued to grow

The best and easy way to get rid of blackheads

Eight craziest things to come out of the human body

Fatal Selfies taken just before death that will give me goose bumps

 

Things to do to my penis so I won’t need Viagra

The something miraculous which happens if you put an onion in your ear over night

What you shouldn’t let grow out of your nose

Perfect response on Facebook to rude woman calling you a “dirty biker”

Instagram star with 70 inch booty shares video to silence haters who cry photoshop (took a while to translate, but still no thanks)

Baking power has miraculous powers to cure diseases, it even whitens teeth

The simplest way to remove blackhead and get a glowing face

After losing forty five pounds this guy played the most epic prank on his parents. (Did he crawl in the cat flap with a sub machine gun?)

Book Review WET DADDY

Girl proves that big boobs are useful

Winter of discontent

Bizarre photos that will make you say WTF

How to Get Rid of Cysts without Surgery with these Simple Tricks. Goodbye Cyst

Man Wants To Be Buried Like A Pharaoh. But His Wife Has …

This Is What Those Weird White Dots On Your Face Mean

Men Can Have Superpowers Right Away. Amazing Ways To Become Extraordinary (next tweet about women?)

If You Put A Clothespin On Your Earlobe For 5 Seconds, This Is The Incredible Effect

It’s Very Simple! Learn To Pop A Pimple Without Leaving A Scar

People Come From All Over The World To Cuddle 500 Kitties At This Cat Sanctuary

Disgusting Medical Treatments That Could Save Your Life

Get Rid Of Inhalers! This Miraculous Juice Will Totally Cure Asthma Attacks

“The one thing that could improve the health of all Canadians”, see Dr. Danielle Martin’s fine new book.

 

Dirtiest Parts Of Our Body. Mouth May Be One Of The Grossest Thing Of Our Body

Velvet drawstring shorts. Use code TIGER for 15% OFF Order now

Nigel Slater’s chipolata and cranberry batter pudding recipe

 

For the serious-minded media studies student

 

There is a promising research topic here. Talk with your tutors about Research design, qualitative research methods, saturation of constructs, research questions.